Man concentrating on his golf shot

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker.
"Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!"
Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement.
"Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!"
Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"




Once is enough

At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea.
Young guy says, "Hey, how about a round of golf?"
"Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it."
"Well, how about a swim? It'll be more refreshing that your iced tea there."
"Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it."
"Young guy says, "Well, how about a game of tennis?"
"Naw, tried it once and didn't like it. But my son will be here soon. He's usually up for a game or two."
Young guy replies, "Your only child I presume?"

Caddy humor

Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?

Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.

Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?

Golfer: Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?
Caddy: Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard.

Bubba and Tiny
go on probation

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped - he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a Farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." He picked up his pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’."



 

 



How is this
done yet?

Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. "Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman."
"OK," says Ivan.
After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."

Atlanta man
in New York

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange-looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00".
The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain.
"Well" said the man, "it's just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story."
"I'll just take the cat," said the man.
"Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman.
The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket.
As he walked down the street he heard a strange meowing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.
The farther he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him.
"Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river, too, and were drowned.
The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.
"I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman.
"Forget the story," said the man. "Have you got a bronze Mets fan?"


Bobby Knight
goes to heaven

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.
Bobby looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Bobby, that's not Gene Keady's house, it's mine!"


 

 

Aggie accident

An Aggie, a Longhorn and a Red Raider went hunting. The Aggie brought back a big buck.
"How did you get that?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot a buck."
Then the Longhorn brought back an elephant.
"How did you get that?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot an elephant."
Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
"What happened?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I got hit by a train."

A true Falcons fan

A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor - even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to snow. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS."
A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer - only now he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Falcons have finally won the Super Bowl!"


Dallas Cowboys

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."
And it was good.
Later on that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."
With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed on the helmet of silver and blue.
God said, "Let it be called the Dallas Cowboys"
Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need jerks." So he made their fans.


Dallas Cowboys 2

Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car.
Who was driving?
The cops.


 

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