n WEIRD Brazilian soccer player Neymar celebrated a goal by picking up a promotional mask of himself and putting it on. The referee gave him a second caution for excessive celebration and he was sent off. Punished for two faces? "That's just wrong," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
n TUBE TOPIC Late-night comedian Conan O’Brien: "Kobe Bryant scored a season-high 48 points. Then his ex-wife claimed that 24 of those are rightfully hers."
n MEMORY LANE Former Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy tells HBO that he once got so obsessed with an upcoming matchup that he drove right through his garage door: "I'm thinking Grant Hill and I forgot to hit the button. I still got in the garage, but it was not the right way."
n FUNNY TNT’s Charles Barkley, on the so-called Princeton offense: "I want my attorney to come from Princeton, not any of my players."
n WOW NBC’s Jay Leno, on Tiger Woods’ ex, Elin Nordegren, demolishing her $12 million mansion in Florida, "Here’s the amazing part: She did it with a 9-iron."
n SIGN OF THE TIMES From Dwight Perry of The Seattle Times: "In two just released rankings, New England has the NFL's best cheerleaders, in the estimation of CNBC, while Travel + Leisure magazine has anointed New York as America's rudest city. A Patriots-Giants Super Bowl? Looks more like Beauties and the Beasts."
n QUOTE OF THE DAY Sacramento Kings coach Keith Smart, responding to a Timberwolves fan who mocked his interim status: "But it's a real good part-time job — it pays really well."
n WEB GEM RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after an ESPN reporter said Terrell Owens could name his salary in the Canadian Football League: "Sure. Just avoid paltry or inadequate; they're taken."
n HARD TO BELIEVE Times are tough. For dinner, I gobbled up potato chip crumbs from between sofa cushions and washed them down with a cup of Kool-Aid I got in a fantasy league trade for Manny Ramirez.
n HARD TO BELIEVE Persons who do more shopping tend to live longer, according to a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health. Expect Dan Snyder to own the Redskins a very long time.
n HARD TO BELIEVE "The new leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, is a four-star general," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald. "That’s according to Rivals.com."
n FUNNY Cubs pitcher Matt Garza, to the Chicago Tribune, on pitching at windy Wrigley Field: "If I'm falling forward, then it's blowing in. If I'm falling back, it's blowing out. No need to look at the flags."
n QUOTE OF THE DAY Bears fan Michael Wales, as quoted in the Chicago Tribune, after getting a look at William "The Refrigerator" Perry's size-25 Super Bowl XX ring: "That's not a ring; it's like a plumbing fitting."
n DISS Zach Johnson, who ranked No. 1 on the PGA Tour by driving distance after the first round of the year’s first tournament, figures that won’t happen again: "Well, unless we had a five-man field with four Corey Pavins."
n SIGN OF THE TIMES Camel racing has never been more popular in the United Arab Emirates, where remote-controlled robots -- wielding plastic crops and speakers for voice commands -- have replaced kid jockeys in the silks.
n ODDLY Dwight Perry of The Seattle Times, after Orlando’s Dwight Howard shot 39 free throws against the Warriors to break break Wilt Chamberlain’s 50-year-old NBA record by five: "Chin up, Chamberlain fans: Wilt’s two most mythical numbers — 100 and 20,000 — are still up for grabs."
n MEMORY LANE Colts defensive line coach John Teerlinck told the St. Paul Pioneer Press that he once asked Vikings coach Bud Grant for the secret to his success: "He said, 'Four little words.' And I'm thinking it'll be words like 'faith, hope and charity, and agile, hostile, mobile.' And Bud said, 'No -- Page, Larsen, Eller and Marshall.'"
n WEB GEM Comedy writer Jerry Perisho of MonologueWriter.blogspot.com, after the Colts fired Jim Caldwell after a 2-14 season: "That’s just two more wins than you had, and you weren’t even coaching."
n TUBE TOPIC "During a charity auction over the weekend, Donald Trump bought $12,000 worth of Tim Tebow memorabilia," noted NBC’s Jimmy Fallon. "Or as it was known on Monday, ‘15 bucks’ worth of Tim Tebow memorabilia.’ "
n QUOTE OF THE DAY Mike Ditka, who coached McMahon with the Bears, once summed up his relationship with McMahon thusly: “We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.”
n STRANGE Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express, on the estimated 160 billion planets in the Milky Way galaxy: "I’m thinking Dennis Rodman has visited all of them."
n DISS Blogger Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: "Worst thing about Thursday night’s Lakers-Heat game? Someone had to win."
n TUBE TOPIC ABC's Jimmy Kimmel, on the Barry Bonds charges that stuck: "Obstruction of justice, as well as obstructing anyone that sat behind him in a movie theater."
n QUOTE OF THE DAY Comedian Chris Rock, to CBS' David Letterman, on why he could never be a Yankees fan: "They got all the money. It's like rooting for Steve Jobs to hit the Lotto or something."
n WEB GEM Rick Reilly of ESPN.com, on the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant still going strong at 33: "An irresistible force of nature, like an avalanche or Justin Bieber."
n GALLERY A couple of Patriots broadcasters are interrupted by a crash:
